Comments on: Saying the Right Thing the Wrong Way

By: Tsark

Tsark — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 07:50:41 +0000

I think Zelmaru’s point echoes the biggest flag that went up in my head as I was reading your post. In fact, while in RL I prefer to let a day or two pass to let myself cool down, in-game I learned that you need to strike the iron while it’s hot. This implies an additional challenge for yourself, as you need to try to stay cool and control your words and your reactions. The alternative, however, works a lot worse.

More in general, I think you are right in trying to replay what happened, to improve your understanding of such situation and make sure you handle it better. At the same time (as many people already said) you really cannot beat yourself over it: tbh I’d be surprised if your guildies found any fault in your handling of the situation, let alone we commenters who are less familiar with the general situation. So – learning and improving your leadership skills: yes; feeling guilty: no.

By: zelmaru

zelmaru — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 19:43:59 +0000

“3) Not dealing with the topic while still irritated.”

It’s a lose/lose situation in this case because if you wait, you may not do it at all. I’ve had situations where someone acted in a totally gross manner, but by the time the officers got together to discuss it, a week went by, and they weren’t peeved enough to say anything. Other times a week went by and they WERE still peeved enough to talk to the person, and the person had practically forgotten about it. Like whacking a dog for peeing on the carpet an hour after the mess occurred.

Maybe it is harmful to discipline the raider on the spot but it’s also harmful to wait.

By: Beruthiel

Beruthiel — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 18:25:21 +0000

I frequently find that I learn life lessons while in game, or utilize lessons learned in life to the game. I think that there may be some truth to this whole older/wiser thing

By: Beruthiel

Beruthiel — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 18:22:32 +0000

While you may be spot on about my objectiveness, it may have still been better coming from someone other than me.

By: Beruthiel

Beruthiel — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 18:13:46 +0000

I don’t expect that I won’t make mistakes, I know full well that I will. I do agree that it’s important for leadership to constantly evaluate what decisions were made, and the effect those decisions had on everyone around them.

By: Beruthiel

Beruthiel — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 18:11:36 +0000

Well, we are pretty big believers in second chances. Everyone does things they regret in hindsight

I like to think I am a fairly nice, and reasonable, person.

By: Zy

Zy — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 17:30:35 +0000

You weren’t wrong but I would probably be beating myself up in your place. It needed to be said, just in a better way (no necessarily ‘nicer’, just more diplomatically).

Your second and third points from what could have been done differently are something just about everyone is guilty of at one time or another. At least you recognize it and try to deal with it better than most!

By: Jong

Jong — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 17:02:43 +0000

“Quite frankly, what you are currently contributing to the guild just isn’t worth the drama that we have to deal with to have you here”.

I think this is as objective as it can get. You weren’t saying the person is worthless; you were criticizing the person’s contribution.

By: Beruthiel

Beruthiel — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 15:17:25 +0000

You know I want you to have my Orc babies, Dend! <3

By: Syl

Syl — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 13:54:40 +0000

I like your post and I think that a big part of leadership is indeed, to look back and question yourself about where you erred. but at the same time leaders are human beings too and many people around you forget that, expecting you to be perfect all the time and have the right answers to everything without ever being ‘too harsh’, or too personally involved or just plain annoyed about something or someone. it’s your right to be annoyed and sometimes it will show – people have to live with that imo or try and do it better.

that said, I expect a lot of myself as a leader and of course I will always strive to be as diplomatic as i can, while sticking to the truth. it’s a balancing act sometimes and a good rhetoric can help you to stay calm and deliver a bad message in a way that won’t hurt the other person. there’s no intention to every hurt anyone.

if you fail by all means look back and ask yourself how you could’ve reacted or worded things better. sometimes it actually helps to tell somebody that you need a moment to ponder everything and that you will get back to them. during this time you can focus and look at the issue coolly before you speak to that person again, maybe ask a co-officer for their views etc. imo that helps a lot to deal with tricky leadership business.

never forget though that you shouldn’t second-guess yourself forever – in the end you’re human and the other person is by all means an adult and responsible for his own feelings (and the way he choses to understand you) too. leaders aren’t parents.