Words from the Heart   53 comments

I know I’ve been a lot quieter than usual.  The truth is that this post has been sitting in my drafts folder for almost two weeks, and every time that I pull it up to try to put my current thoughts into words I stumble, not quite sure what to say. The truth is that I’m really struggling with WoW right now, a lot. And I’ve been spending a whole lot of time asking myself what I should do – what happens when you start to fall out of love with something that has been a defining aspect of your life for so long?

I think part of the reason that I’ve been putting it off is because I wasn’t sure if my thoughts are directly related to my time in game or if they are being colored by a plethora of other things happening in my life right now – and the truth is that I’m still not sure. While I do think that some of what I’m feeling with regards to WoW right now is my life bleeding in, I also think that it has only highlighted feelings that were already there – not creating new ones.

Where to start? I think I’ve laid out my love affair with WoW previously – so maybe I should talk about the bumps in the road.  I suppose since I’m being honest, they feel more like giant mountains right now than bumps. Giant mountains that I’m not entirely sure I am capable of scaling.

I am unhappy with my class.  I know that some people say they don’t feel that there are problems with our class and feel they are doing just fine. I am not one of those people. Hard modes, for me, have done nothing but place a giant spotlight on the shortcomings of the resto druid toolbox and many raid nights I spend the night feeling frustrated and ineffective. I have been reduced to screaming at my monitor trying to deal with black phase Zon’ozz on more than one occasion – and sit on pins and needles every week on Morchok hoping that the other healers on my side are able to get off one more heal to make sure someone doesn’t die (some of this is probably bleed over from shit happening outside of the game, which is exacerbating my in game frustrations). It’s also very disheartening to go to EJ and see things like “Druids are the worst class for xyz and you shouldn’t bring any”, or to know that some of my druid friends are being sat or asked to bring in priests/paladins for progression on certain encounters.

I am unhappy with my progressionI’ve never been in a top whatever guild.  And usually I’m OK with that.  But I also have the expectation of moving through progression content at a moderate pace that makes me feel good about what I’m doing. And right now we aren’t moving through at a pace that satisfies me as a player. We have spent two weeks struggling with Zon’ozz – and still aren’t there yet (although we are close, it’s just a matter of tweaking our DPS, as we are hitting the enrage timer).  Some of that has been to adjusting our strategy a few times early on due to what we have available on our raid roster, but some of it has been performance by our raid team as a whole, which I can honestly say disappoints me as both a leader and a player. Perhaps more as an individual player who is busting their ass every night, while feeling that not 100% of the raid is doing the same, I suppose.

This, in turn, has made this tier of content pretty miserable for me to date. Miserable to the point that I’ve spent the better part of this month looking for a silver lining, a reason to continue pushing so hard. It’s been a challenge to bifurcate how much of my frustration is from the game, and how much of it has been other things bleeding in – but the external issues are only highlighting underlying frustrations that for all intents and purposes are already there, I just have less patience and/or desire to deal with them. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, a bad thing or just is.  What I am sure of is that I’m about one more person being an asshole during a raid from throwing up my hands and saying “you know what, I don’t need this shit”.

I am frustrated with my guild.  This one makes me a little sad to put on my list, but I’d be lying to myself if it wasn’t here. It’s hard to tell how much of this is spill over from our progression struggles, how much of it is spill over from Rag burnout, or how much of it is me being unhappy in a home that I spent years building into something I was proud of – and subsequently feeling like I don’t have a place in that home anymore. Like someone is dismantling it brick by brick, until there is nothing left but a pile of rubble on the ground, reducing it to a ruin, a shadow of what it used to be. And no matter how hard I try to add fresh mortar and restack those bricks, it seems like for every one I am able to restore, five more fall down.

I’ve put up posts to my guild telling them how I feel.  Letting them know what they can do to help. And yet night after night it becomes more clear to me that it doesn’t matter to a good many people. And that’s devastating to me, especially right now when I’m already struggling emotionally. It constantly amazes me how little people think about what might be going on in someone’s life outside of the game, and how even the smallest thing that they may say or do may have a huge, unintentional, impact on someone else, and rather than taking ten seconds to filter what they say or how they say it, they turn off their brain to mouth filter and just pop out the first thing that comes to mind.  How completely careless people can be with their thoughts and words in an online environment. And how utterly tired I am of feeling like a playground referee.

There are those who are worried I’m going to crack, can see that I’m close, and who follow up with me to make sure I’m ok.  And that means the world to me. But for every one person who gives a shit, there is someone who is equally as selfish, careless and thoughtless in their words and actions.  Not just towards me, but anyone. Where I used to feel like part of a unified team, now I just feel like part of a group of people who tolerate each other enough to kill shit in a video game. And that just saddens me.  A whole lot. Especially since I feel responsible for that team – and every person on that team, and it’s morphing into something I really dislike but feel impotent to stop.

Where does that leave me?  The problem is that the biggest draw in the game for me has always been endgame progression raiding. I’ve always enjoyed it and my place in it. And right now, it’s making me borderline miserable almost every night that we raid. I think I could probably deal better with our lack of progression if I was actually enjoying the time I was spending wiping. But I’m not, and perhaps that is at the root of a lot of what I’m feeling and struggling with.

I’ve loved my druid since spamming Rank 4 healing touch on a tank was the way to heal. I’ve survived all of the bumps along the road – and every change that Blizzard has thrown at me. But right now I do not enjoy healing on my class. It’s frustrating to feel like you are giving it everything you’ve got to offer – only to have it feel insufficient and feel like anything I can do, someone else can do better (yes, that is a musical reference – 10 points for anyone who knows where it’s from). It sucks to feel like you are a liability to your raid team. It sucks to have to say “I can’t do this, and need help” – especially when you were always able to tackle anything previously and make it work, regardless of how challenging it may have been.

I have been through Hell and high water with my guild – and I’ve never felt this disconnected. I’ve never felt this frustrated or lost. I said awhile ago that my guild was one of the three things keeping me going in WoW – and night after night I feel pushed further and further away from something that I spent every last ounce of energy sustaining. Right now I feel like my energy pool is tapping out and failing to recharge. And the truth is that I don’t know what to do about it. How do you admit that you are starting to loathe something you’ve loved for so long? How do you repair it so that you might love it again? How do you know if you are only hanging on out of pride and obligation – or if you really want to rekindle the romance again?

What I’m left with is a lot of questions, and no easy answers. Isn’t that just like life? I’d like to say that I’ve never been a quitter – but that’s not true.  I ran away from a music career that I loved because I was afraid of failure, afraid I wouldn’t be good enough or strong enough to endure the struggles that I would have faced as a successful and skilled musician. And I’ve regretted that every day of my adult life.  Every day. And I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn’t run away from anything ever again because I was afraid. It’s why my forum signature on most forums reads “What would you attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail”. Because it reminds me that if I don’t try, I’ll never know what I could have accomplished.

But at what point does being stubborn, even if it is making you miserable, outweigh your pride? At what point do you need to step back and ask “what is best for me” when you come to a crossroads and become selfish? At what point do you wave the white flag of surrender?

It seems so easy for some people to answer these questions – so why is it so hard for me?

I don’t expect you to have any answers.  How could you, when I don’t have them for myself? And the truth is that I’m really the only person who can find those answers.  I just thought it was fair to let you know why it’s been so quiet – and why there may be some periods of quiet moving forward. I have a lot of mixed signals and emotions running through my head – and it’s very hard to write about something when you have so many unanswered questions and conflicting feelings surrounding a topic you’ve been writing about for almost three years. So please forgive me if I’m slow on posting. Please forgive me if guides aren’t timely. Please forgive me if I seem melancholy. Right now I’m just trying to find perspective, and hoping that in doing so I might find that my love affair isn’t quite finished just yet.

Posted December 27, 2011 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump

53 responses to “Words from the Heart

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  1. ::hugs and love::
    That’s it <3 I don't have any advice for you, I don't have any tricks of the trade for falling in love with your guild again. I know it *can* happen, but whether it does or not depends on so many factors that I can't see that I'm not going to even try to open my mouth and insert my foot ^^

    However! if you need an ear or a shoulder, I'm more than happy to help out <3

    • I may well take you up on that offer :)

      Somethings got to give, somewhere, and soon. Things right now are just so damn confused and hard, I just don’t want to make what I feel is a good decision at the time for wrong reasons. I’ve been trying to let everything settle down a bit while I ponder, but it certainly remains a challenge.

  2. First off…. Annie Get Your Gun. I win.

    Secondly, chin up. You arent alone.. the druid community is a strong and vocal one. (Second only to us loudmouth priests!) You do have a big passion for this game, and don’t let that die. I could see it, and heard it when we met for coffee when I was in Seattle for work. I can’t provide you with a checklist of things to do to make things better… but understanding how you feel, and expressing that is really just a step in the right direction if you ask me!

    You know you have people who will listen to you, and slap you around if necessary. Myself included. (Ps. Seattle. Coffee. April. GO!)

  3. Is hoping you finds the path what works best for you, wherevers that may lead.

  4. Have you considered taking a break from WoW? Not like a super long one, but maybe a month or so.

    Go and do other things, and maybe see if you can get a better perspective with more distance.

    • I’ve thought about a lot of things, honestly.

      Right now I’ve been spending my down time outside of raids in SWToR or catching up on some TV. But, in a way, that just exacerbates the issue of feeling disconnected. And maybe that’s my problem – I shouldn’t feel guilty for spending free time doing things outside of WoW. But it’s hard to get to know people if I don’t make myself available. A bit of a catch 22, that is.

      The up side is that I’m enjoying the SWToR leveling quite a bit, and Brade and I are having a lot of fun two manning the flash points with our companions. The fact that it plays a lot like a single player game with chat – and that I’m playing with a group of people that aren’t from my guild and that are local helps a lot as well.

      Is that, in and of itself, enough? I don’t know. But it’s at least something.

      • I think you misunderstand my idea of a break. I mean, don’t log into WoW for a solid two weeks or a month. Your guild will survive without you. If it can’t, then that’s actually a problem in and of itself.

        Part of the issue can be that logging in every day or every so often can magnify certain problems, make them seem more important than they are, while diminishing other problems which might actually be more important.

        To be honest, and to be total armchair psychologist (and I deeply apologize if I trespass beyond proper boundaries), I really think that a lot of your issues ultimately stem from the problems with your hands. From an outside perspective, you can really see the difference between your posts before that time and after. I think there’s been a general loss of confidence from that point on, loss of confidence in your guild, your class and your personal performance. Maybe it’s just coincidence, but maybe it isn’t.

        Again, I apologize if this is improper, it is hard to really understand someone who you only know through through writing on the internet. And it is possible I am projecting a bit. My hands are my livelihood, as well as absolutely necessary for my hobbies. If I ever damaged them, it would cut off so much of my current life, I can barely think of it.

      • I don’t misunderstand – I just don’t want to stop playing all-together, even if it is just for a short period of time. At least not at this point in the expansion. So for me, that’s not really an option I want to explore at this time. I just want to have fun and enjoy playing again – which, if I’m being perfectly honest, would probably happen if I didn’t feel a huge burden of organizing raids/feeling responsible for progression/feeling responsibile for how people treat each other.

        So, that brings me to the question of what I want to do about it – which I don’t have an answer for, and is something I’ve talked with Brade about many times over the past two months. Pretty much since my breakdown.

        Do my hands have an affect on my attidude? I’m sure that they do, it’s not fun to deal with pain that can’t be explained or resolved. It doesn’t help that I don’t care for my doctor and I don’t feel that she’s given me adequate care. I’m working on finding a new PCP and a new Rhumetologist and starting over again, to see if I receive better results, or at least treatment and answers that satisfy me.

        While I do think it has had an impact on my overall happiness in the game, and has created some of my angst – I disagree that it’s had an impact on my view of my class and the current situation. Hands hurting or not, that is something that didn’t arise until 4.3 and I think is a completely autonomous issue of its own that shouldn’t be overlooked or downplayed becasue of something else :)

  5. I’ve got similar things going on in my guild right now. Who knows where it will end up, but I hope it’s some small comfort to know others are in the same spot.

  6. Seems to me you need a new guild. While druids are not in the best place right now, they’re still darn fine healers and actually do very well on a few HM fights because of their mobility (Hagara as a particular example, but even Blackthorn too). I play a druid alt. I’ve never been a big fan of druid healing, because while their output is top notch and very even, the very even nature of it doesn’t let me feel like I can kick things up a notch when I need too. I guess that is why I have stuck with my paladin over the years.

    That said, you really just need to find a group to play with that gives you the flexibility and team play you’re looking for. I did, and it made a world of a difference.

    • I have not ruled out the possibility that it’s not the guild, it’s me. Which is hard to admit when the guild is something you’ve helped shape and build. But I do not think I’m at the point, just yet, to say that the absolute answer is that I need a new guild. What if it’s not the guild? What if I move somewhere I think is better suited to my desires to find out that I hate it? I learned a long time ago that the grass isn’t always greener and that you have to be careful about what you wish for.

      • Well, if you do, take your time searching. Be very specific. Good players have the opportunity to be very selective. Ask to sit in on potential guilds’ vent while they raid, chat with some of the friend status people, see what they’re doing on off hours. Ask around for the realm reputation. There doesn’t need to be a rush and spending the time, you may be surprised who and what is out there. I went through a period of similar frustration, bounced a couple realm first guilds I didn’t like, then walked into my current guild simply because the GM seemed like a cool guy. Turns out, theyve been almost like a family since, and its been since early ICC..

  7. Everyone! Beru is venting and thinking out loud! She’s not looking for a new guild, or to stop raiding, or to take a break from WoW. She’s just writing what is on her mind, which is what she usually does, hopefully the solution will present itself in it’s own time.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts Beru. Hugs and cookies.

    And I don’t know the musical but I know the song… I had to cheat and google… Annie Get your gun…

    • <3 Navimie.

      You are absolutely right that I am just trying to air out my brain, my thoughts are so crowded that they are starting to bump into each other :)

      Sometimes the hardest thing about putting your thoughts out there is hearing things you may not want to hear – and sometimes the reason that's hard because there may well be some underlying truth to the advice that's being offered. Then again, I often ignore perfectly good advice, so there you have it.

  8. Ultimately, you are the guild leader, and a guild is not a democracy, it is a dictatorship. regardless of how much some guilds try to paint it otherwise, responsibility for the membership, purpose, and path of a guild falls on the head of one individual. In Monolith, that person is you. If you think that Monolith has strayed from the path that you originally intended, or that you no longer wish to tread down the path that you’re currently on, it’s up to you to change it.

    Some people in the guild might not be happy with your changes, but it seems like some of the people in your guild don’t care enough about you to understand the impact that their actions are having on you. I’m no stranger to the angst of leadership, but the burden that comes with absolute power is absolute responsibility. The more you shirk your responsibility to yourself, the more it will eat at you.

    You need to figure out what it is that you want out of the guild. Not what the rogue you’re giftwrapping a legendary for wants. Not what the Holy Pally you’re competing with on the meters wants. What YOU want. Because what you want is what the guild wants. Once you’re figured that out, you need to make it happen. You might need to throw recruiting wide open. You might need to bench some players who are working counter to your goals. You might need to stop raiding all together. It might mean abdicating the mantle of leadership and stepping back into the rank and file raiders again. But in all honesty, the hardest part is figuring out what you want, and mustering the willpower to implement it, the actual actions will more or less handle themselves as long as you believe in them.

    As far as resto druids go, the buff/nerf cycle waxes and wanes, you can either stick with your character, or switch to the new hotness, knowing that eventually you’ll be back on your druid. It’s a pain, but speaking as someone who tanking early wrath hard modes on a prot paladin, it’s something that you can push through with enough willpower and coordination with your raid.

  9. I read your post and I see someone who’s already mentally quit, but can’t commit to it. Quit WoW. Now. Not in five days, not in a week, not after the next patch. Quit it right this fucking instant. The moment a GAME goes from making you happy to making you miserable, it is no longer worth playing. Tell your friends that you’re done and uninstall it.

    In case you were wondering, I quit WoW too after lingering around, wondering if it was right for me. I was so brutally stabbed in the back by my Guild Leader and fellow raider that I started to doubt myself, my character, my place in our little digital home. Once I quit, it became so shockingly apparent to me that I wasn’t the one who changed; the game had changed people around me into self-absorbed, unfeeling dicks. I was a much happier person once I was away from my ‘job’ in WoW that I can’t even describe it – I even reconnected with former guildies who left for the same reasons, and we’re off having fun in SWTOR.

    You happiness is more important than pixel loot. Sorry for the cursing, but your post is screaming at me. It’s yelling “HELP ME” and dammit, I WILL help. I wish someone had said this to me back then.

    Quit now. Quit for you. Quit to feel good again.

    • I’ve never really understood why people that stop playing wow are so vehement that others that voice some frustration should also stop playing. Especially when those same people have merely moved to another game, or multiple other games, rather than away from games. What’s the difference which game you choose to absorb yourself in? You’re still there sitting in front of a computer.

      • It’s not vehemence against WoW or gaming in general. It’s vehemence against feeling as if you are forced into sitting there, playing a game you don’t enjoy, being with people you don’t like, performing tasks you don’t want to do, all because you feel as if you owe the other people on your raid team. Like Beru said, this is about making her happy, not anyone else.

        And I’m vehement because 9 months ago I was in the exact same position she’s in right this second; I lingered, tried to find myself, tried to reinvent myself and catch that initial spark all over again … it didn’t work. It only made it worse because I felt as if there was something wrong with me, something I did. It’s less like quitting a game and more like leaving a bad relationship. When you’re in the raiding scene and you’re in this deep with a hardcore group of like-minded individuals, then sometimes just stepping away for good is what’s best for you.

        And you say “some frustration.” You see ‘some’ frustration, I see someone on the edge, ready to snap because of all the stress, fatigue, mental abuse, and heartache. I don’t really expect anyone to understand it; I just see Beru’s post and I see me, sitting there at my computer, loading up my shaman and silently berating myself for logging in again. It felt like a job, something I *HAD* to do. When I quit, it was a glorious relief. I want her to know that it’s ok to step away, and that the act of quitting is equal parts heartbreak, guilt, and freedom. Unless you’ve been in this exact position, the position I was in, and the one I think Beru is in right now, I don’t think you can understand it at all.

        Sorry about the passion/anger, but seeing Beru’s post just kills me inside; stabs me in the gut and twists the dagger. I want to help as best I can, even if it is by frothing at the mouth and going completely incoherent with fury. Sorry ’bout the raging, Meliika :(

      • I think the problem is that you assumed that my desired outcome is to quit playing WoW, which is inherently false.

        If anything, I’m miserable with my guild – not the game in and of itself. I’m not particularly thrilled with where my class is right now, but that is only one of many problems and the only problem that is the direct “fault” of the game. Sure, it could be argued that many of my other problems stem from the game and different directions that the game has taken, and maybe there is some truth to that, but when push comes to shove I don’t feel like I need to unplug from WoW completely, nor is that my underlying desire.

        I also don’t feel that I’ve mentally checked out. I think the fact that I am trying to resolve all of the feelings currently floating about my head is indicative of that. It’s always confused me a little bit why so much can be inferred from someone talking about their struggles or venting a bit. Am I thrilled with things? Obviously not. But a lot of that has to do more with my personal situation than it does the game itself. And perhaps that statement right there should answer many of my questions for me – I mean if I recognize the problem and don’t take steps to fix it, that’s my fault – isn’t it?

  10. The only thing I can tell you, Beru, is what helps me when I keenly feel that I’ve fallen out of love with this game — I spend time doing other things. I commit to things strongly and fiercely (and I suspect you do, too) and we may not always feel that it’s an option to stop even if that may be the right thing to do (and I’m not saying it is or isn’t — just that we might not feel that stopping is an option), so I try to do other things I like. I read. I write. I watch TV. I yell at the Montreal Canadiens hockey team through my television set and am constantly surprised that they can’t hear me yelling.

    Might I suggest some light reading? Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series is hilarious. The first is One for the Money. I’m almost done with Two for the Dough and plan to pick up the third ASAP.

    At the very least, you’ll get a few giggles while spending time away from the game. It might help give you some perspective.

    And feel free to prod me if you ever need to chat, either email or mumble or something. Whatever happens, whatever you’re feeling, just know that you’re probably not alone in feeling it and that you have a plethora of ears who are out there, happy to chat with you about everything and anything. <3

    • I’ve read several of the Janet Evanovich books :) I am actually a pretty active reader, but lately it’s been relegated to a “lunch time activity” – and perhaps that is something that I should look into changing. I just finished A Feast for Crows and lined up A Dance with Dragons on the kindle – so here’s hoping that one doesn’t take as long to get through (lunch time with a certain entertaining rogue make lunch time reading hard, omg!).

      I do tend to try and step away from the game when I’m feeling overwhelmed – but a lot of time that makes me feel even more disconnected than I already am, so I’m not sure. Sometimes I wish I was more like Brade, who can move through things with an ounce of emotion. Alas, I’m not that person, and I tend to overthink….everything! Which isn’t always the most healthy choice.

      I do often question how some people can let things go, or move on, with such ease. I wonder if it was hard for them to make those decisions. I mean, I’ve been stewing through some of these thoughts for over a month and I still don’t have any answers!

      I will say, however, that last night I drug Brade out for some pub trivia – which was both relaxing and fun. And I’m really glad I did that instead of spending time in any of the games I’m currently playing :)

      • He’s a bit of an ass like that, taking up time, being annoyingly chipper and/or amusing… ;)

        I find that reading before bed helps to “cleanse the palate”, if you will. My new year’s resolution — go to bed a half-hour earlier than I’d like to and spend that 30 minutes reading. I used to be a voracious reader and somewhere during my degree, I lost my love of it. That’s something I’m hoping will work well for me, and it might help you alleviate any overthinking, because you switch tracks to something like a plot and then fall asleep with that on the brain and not, say, wipe number 381 on H Rags. ;)

        I understand about the disconnection thing. I probably should log in more than I do, but I can’t right now and I couldn’t during the term and… well, does that make me a less effective GM? I don’t know. I have people PM me if they need to talk about something and I have office hours every week so people can drop in. I keep abreast of my guild’s twitters and blogs. I like to think I have a vague idea of what’s going on, but I admit I don’t know everyone in my guild as much as I’d like. Like you, I have a LOT of emotion and it’s really, really hard for me to understand how others can do things like quit, move on, give up, etc. I just resign myself to hating people who leave me in the lurch and I recruit to replace them… but that’s likely not the healthiest thing to do ;)

        I’m glad to hear you guys went out and had a good time! Pub trivia sounds amazing right about now, particularly with the nasty weather here. I’ve been trying to decompress as well. We’re not officially raiding until Tuesday the 3rd and I’ve signed up as “no” with the baby pally’s guild and it feels great to genuinely be *off* for a bit.

        At any rate. Hugs to you, open ear over here. And try not to overthink things too much. (I know, I know, easier said than done, by a MILE!) <3

  11. If I wasn’t pulling out for RL reasons, I’d be posting exactly the same thing, I suspect. Too many frustrations, not enough to hold my interest anymore.
    <3 <3 <3

    • Glad to see that you are still poking around! I hope everything is going well for you :)

      As for the frustrations – I just don’t know. A lot of them are seemingly of our (collective) own making it might seem. I’ve actually got another post (surprisingly) brewing in my brain right now stemming from a conversation that Brade and I had when I was complaining the it took us 30 minutes to get everyone together and kill a world boss in SWToR. I indicated it would be nice to have a summon feature – and Brade had a few very good insights that made me change my mind and feel less frustrated over the “down time”.

  12. I wish you the best of luck and I’m sure that in the end you will come to your own decisions. But I can’t help but advocate what others have already said in the previous comments. Seriously consider either a complete break with WOW for a period of time or remove yourself from the progression raid scene (albeit for a period of time). I’ve been reading your thoughts and frustrations for a while now, and I think with the Heroic Rag grind combined with the serious nerfs to the beloved Druid class that you’ve reached a point of burn out. Step away and see how it feels, you can always jump right back in.

    • I don’t really want to take a break mid-expansion. If anything I’d do it once we’d cleared out the expansion before MoP launched – or I’d opt to step out of MoP entirely (something that has been given some thought). But right now I have the desire to finish, I just wish I wasn’t so bloody spent so soon into the race since the finish line isn’t even in sight yet.

  13. I do recommend taking a break. I unsubbed after Staghelm as rl issues were not getting the attention they deserved, I wasn’t fitting with my guild and I was sick to the back teeth of LFG ZA & ZG. (And those FL dailies – *&%$#@!)

    I thought it was the end of my WoW journey, I said my goodbyes and hung up my healers hat.

    2 months later I’m back with a new enthusiasm and very happy to be here. At work they force us to have 4 weeks off every year, it’s not considered mentally healthy for us or our co-workers to go on without having regular time off. Maybe you need to take your accumulated WoW leave.

    And you have made no perpetual vows to the druid class. If Beru isn’t doing it for you right now, swapping to a different main (even temporarily) is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

    Hugs.

    • Really like your point about taking a couple of weeks leave per year… I think I might implement that myself! :)

    • Ideally I’d like to take the opportunity for some down time inbetween content or expansions. The content this expansion though has been quick, and I’ve found little time for a breather in between – which may well be part of the problem. Something else I’ve considered is re-examining a shorter raid schedule with a higher attendance requirement again. Which would potentially also allow for a little more down time.

  14. I am also very unhappy with my resto druid. I’ve player her since the beginning of Wrath, did the Wrath raids with her and even then, felt like I was hurting my raid team by showing up with a Resto Druid instead of a priest. Now, on Ultraxion, trying to find a way that the buffs would work – it was just easier to turn into a kitty and have the shaman and priest heal. This sucks.

    • I will agree that it is definitely not enjoyable to feel that someone else could do your job with more ease and efficiency. I don’t know that I ever really felt that way at the end of Wrath – but I only tackeld HLK in a 10 man setting and I two healed it with a Disc Priest, which while a really big challenge wasn’t an impossible feat either. However, this is the first time in my gaming experience that I’ve been this frustrated with my class.

  15. Beru
    All I can say is this:
    I have known and raided with you for many years. I think all people have the same thoughts and feelings about this game as you have. I know you wrote this more as a way to get your thoughts out there, not so much to ask the community at large ‘What should I do’. There is only one person that can make that decision, because you are the only person that knows all of the thoughts going through your mind.

    I will end my response with this, I truly believe WoW, and definately Monolith, would be intolerably boring without you in it. :)

  16. Hi Beru,

    All I can is, “I’ve been there.” I took four months off from the game, completely. I didn’t log in. I cancelled my subscription. I played other games, mostly Rift, and when I was ready to come back, I did. I found that those four months helped me out immensely and I look at the game with a such a different mindset than I did before. I think I agree the most with what Targeter said, though not necessarily with the intensity of said comment. I feel like your post is a cry for help, of sorts, and I don’t think it’s something that should be brushed off as a feeling you had on a whim or something that didn’t have some serious weight behind it. You’re in a really crummy place right now and it doesn’t sound like that’s going to change with any quick fix.

    I’m not going to say that you should quit WoW, but find solace in other things, like Kurn said. Try out Skyrim or STWOR, something that you can *play* and not feel like you have to *work* on. Catch up on TV shows on Netflix that you have fallen behind in. Start a new book series. Hell, even write a novel! Just take yourself out of the situation that is enveloping you and find some happiness. You deserve it.

    *hugs*

    • I do have both Skyrim and SWToR on my PC, and I have been taking a little extra time and watching more TV shows than I might normally. And part of that is because I want to step away, and because there are some fun shows on right now. The question, however, is if that is enough to refuel me or if I need something more drastic. And I, unfortuantely, don’t have an answer for that just yet. I suspect that at some point something will happen that will cause me to make a decision one way or the other – but until that occurs, I’m trying to keep my sanity and go with the flow. Although I don’t always like where the flow leads :)

  17. All I can say is from the amount of responses you’ve had so far you have a lot of support behind you, no matter what you decide. I’ve been where you are as have a lot of people. We all try different things to try and alleviate the problems and fix what’s wrong. What works for one may not be the right solution for another. I didn’t stop playing WoW but I switched servers with my partner when we really needed to take a break from our Guild, raiding and the people. To this day, it’s still one of my fondest memories when we didn’t have to answer to anyone and we could 2P a lot of content. Taking a break from the game may or may not be something you want to do but know at least that you have a whole community that is behind you.

    Chin up and keep the faith that things will look up fairly soon.

  18. I’m not going to tell you to find a new guild or quit the game or anything. I will tell you that I understand and I hope everything works out. I’m feeling the frustration of all of that right now but I’m mostly chalking it up to holidays and headache.

    I wish you good luck and many tree snuggles. *hugs*

  19. I empathize with you Beru. I really do. I’ve been fighting that struggle with WoW for…well, it’s been a while. It comes and goes, and it is indeed much like a love affair. I think that is a very apt description you give. Our guild is going through something similar right now. Our GM is being as much a tool as many of our raiders. I find myself, for the first time in a long time, uncaring. And that makes me sad. One of the things I have always prided myself on as a player in general and a raider in specific is that I will bust my ass to be good. I suppose a big part of it is that right now I just don’t see the point of bringing me in particular to a raid. Someone else on the roster can do it better. It’s been utterly demoralizing to know that right now my effort does not matter. I’ve even considered abandoning the druid altogether and getting my shaman off the shelf. I feel ya Beru. Hope you find your way through mate.

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  21. You aren’t the only one unhappy with the state of resto druids. Even with my incredibly small sample sizes for HM druids, you can see a really clear trend of Rdruids being mostly fine for LFR, okay for 10-man normal, and then progressively worse as the raid sizes & difficulty goes up from there.

    http://www.restokin.com/2011/12/how-is-your-resto-druid-doing-in-4-3/

    Even for 25-man Normal, there are 35 votes for “fine”, 17 votes for rerolled/benched, and 60 votes for utility problems with or without healing problems. It’s bad enough that I’d argue this is pretty good support for Blizzard needing to look into Utility problems that won’t ever show up in WOL reports.

  22. Sorry to read about all your frustrations but venting is always good to do:) One thing you haven’t mentioned, or perhaps I skipped over it, is handing GM position/raid lead to someone else for the time being and just relax and play the game to the best of your ability as a Monolith Raider. During WotLK raiding my guild leader at the time had periods of burnout/frustrations with game and guild so he would assign someone as interim GM/Raid Lead while he took a break. He still raided, but didn’t have to deal with all the guild drama and politics for a few months. Hang in there Beru and keep that chin up :)
    Your Internet friend Megacode

  23. Beru,

    I’ve read your blog for awhile, and although I can see you are certainly not a quitter, it sounds to me like you do need a break from wow, perhaps even gaming in general? Maybe take a step back, see how the guild functions without you? It may offer a offer a fresh perspective and show you how much you do or do not enjoy the game anymore.

  24. Hey Beru,
    I’m sorry, I don’t have any wise advice for you. As you know I always had trouble balancing WoW with my real life. Even though I have since opted to no longer play I don’t regret any of the time I spent with the guild. Monolith provided me with a great safe haven, a separate family, where I could just forget the real world for a few hours a day and focus completing attainable goals. This would not have been possible without the tremendous amount of effort you put in to keeping everything running. I’ve seen the posts on our forums and am sad to see what appears to be happening. Although it may not seem like it I’m sure many of the members do really appreciate the effort you put into managing the guild whether they realize it or not. Monolith is a special place and you are the reason it is that way. That being said, you don’t owe it to anyone else to sacrifice your sanity to maintain theirs. I think you should take some time away, no specific amount I’m sure you’ll know when it’s been long enough, to regroup. In the end all I can give you is the advice you gave me two years ago “Do what you enjoy.” I hope things work out for you =)

  25. I’ve been mulling over your post for a couple of days now. In a lot of ways, you mirror some of my issues right now. I don’t have answers for me, so I’m afraid I have no sage advice for you. I wish I did. I do want to say though, my state of physical health strongly affects my attitudes in game and about the game. I have MS, and osteoarthritis in my right wrist from a badly broken wrist.

    On the days when my wrist burns after 2.5 hours of raiding, I get grumpy, and the attitudes of my team make me want to scream. When someone goes on and on about the virtues of one click casting via clique or mouseover macros or whatever, and my thumb is too stiff to reach the side buttons on my naga and my hands are too shaky to reliably click the buttons I want just once… I want to cry. I know it is better/faster, but I have limitations and I just can’t do it all the time.

    Does that affect my joy in Wow? Oh yeah.

    Problems I would normally cope with and shrug seem almost insurmountable on the really bad days. The raider who screams at us all, or who calls me various ugly names when he doesn’t get his way… I can redirect him like a 5 year old on the good days. On the bad ones I just want to leave my guild, and him, behind. The days when my team can’t be bothered to read strats, or when every healer wants the red buff because they haven’t looked at the synergy of the team… On the good days I remember that I like them all.

    I’m going on and on, and I apologize. The health of the body affects the health of the mind. It takes mental strength to cope with pain, and it leaves less strength to deal with other issues. Both interpersonal ones… and the fact that Blizz ripped off the bandaid again, and proved that they still haven’t fixed the wound it was concealing.

    Your concerns are real. Druids are fine for easy mode, but let me tell ya, stack 3 resto druids in the raid and even in normal mode you start to feel it. I can’t tell you if your interpersonal guild things are real… I’m not there, but I assume so. Druids have been on a roller coaster for years. People as individuals are great, but as a group they suck. What is different is that you are in pain. That doesn’t invalidate your concerns. Pain is a multiplier. instead of having X issues, you get 3X issues. X is still the real issue though.

    I don’t know if you have seen this, but you might find it enlightening.

    http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

    I make a lot of my friends and family read it… it is the best way I have found to help people understand the issues with chronic illness. I can tell them, “I am out of spoons” and they stop harassing me to do something or other. I think you are running a little low on spoons right now.

  26. *Hugs* Beru, I’ve followed your blog for a long time but not commented before, and I can honestly say that I empathise with the sentiments of your post, albeit not from the resto druid perspective. I’m a paladin healer and guild officer and I’ve felt the same frustrations you’ve mentioned with my last 3 guilds, it’s driven me absolutely crazy. 4.3 drove me especially nuts; so much new fun content, so many new ways to get alts geared after the hell that was the zulroics, I should’ve been ecstatic, but I really wasn’t. The game I’d loved for 6 years or so (and as a parent to young children a huge social outlet for me) was making me sad, upset and frustrated every time I logged in. Like you, I also picked up SWTOR (over our Xmas guild raiding break) and am having so much no-stress, no raidleading, no guildeading unadulterated fun with it I don’t even want to log back into WoW and kick-start raiding again. And I’m starting to realise that the world won’t suddenly stop spinning in it’s axis if that’s the decision I make.

    My only advice to you is to do what you find fun, sod the rest of em ;)

  27. Hang in there Beru!

  28. I am not a regular reader, and not anyone you know in game or out, but you have my deepest sympathy over all of the issues that you are going through. I know that you will get through this and that whatever you do decide to do will be the right thing for you to do.

    Well, I do also have one suggestion for you and your Guild. Why not take a week (or two….or maybe some off-nights instead) and do some silly, stupid, pointless raid-like things. For example nekkid Karazhan (on nekkid Naxx for a little more chalenge). Go in on your Raid toons totally nekkid (yes no weapons or shields either) and see how far you can get? OK, maybe not the best idea, but perhaps doing something to bring the lighthearted fun into a raid-type setting. (Drunken raiding might work too….toons drunk, not people….you could even maybe use the glasses from Brewfest for those toons that kept them) (And sorry, I am a man…we tend to offer un-solicited advice. As my Hero says “I’m a man…..but I can change….if I have to….I guess”)

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