Monday Musings: Part of Me Edition   5 comments

One of the things that I have learned in the past few months is that I am a Katy Perry fan. It all started with her movie. I have always been a fan of documentary type things, such as Behind the Music and True Hollywood Story, so it was no real surprise that I was interested in this movie. I’d heard a few of her songs on the radio, and found them catchy. I’d always thought she had spunk. But upon watching this documentary, I decided that I actually really like Katy Perry.

I’m sure you are wondering if this post has anything to do with WoW. And it does. I’ll get there. But even if I didn’t, I’d point out that this is my blog and if I wanted to do a post that did nothing but talk about how I decided I was a Katy Perry fan, that’s my right. Fortunately for you, I do have some points that don’t involve Katy Perry.

Anyhow. The reason I bring up Katy Perry here is because she has a song that I really, really like the message. It’s called Part of Me – and it basically talks about (at least my interpretation, anyhow) being true to yourself and remembering that nobody can take a part of you, unless you let them. This resonates with me for many reasons – but largely because I’ve grown to the point in my life where I am pretty happy with who I am. I am pretty comfortable with myself, and well aware of both how things make me feel, as well as my likes and dislikes.

*yawn* Is this ever going to get to the part about WoW?

Why yes! Yes it is!

You see, when I made the decision to continue playing in this expansion, I also made the decision that I would stop putting my life on hold for WoW. If I wanted to do something out of the game, I damn well would. If I wasn’t having fun with something, I wouldn’t do it. If someone was doing something that I didn’t care for or bothered me, rather than stewing in it, I’d bring it up.

Well…I’ve been half successful with this; which means I’ve also been half unsuccessful.

I’ve stopped logging in outside of raids if I don’t feel like playing. I haven’t leveled a max level alt, and if people want to do alt shit, it’s largely not my concern on if it happens or not. I’ve been going out with friends more and enjoying more movies in the theaters rather than forgetting about them and these have largely been great Quality of Life improvements for me this expansion. However, I’ve also done some things that have made me unhappy: dailys and continuing to raid as a Druid are at the top of that list. But I’m miles happier in this regard than I was last expansion, so I consider it mostly a success.

My goal of trying to address issues with people, rather than just stewing on them and letting them piss me off, however, has seen mixed success. Sometimes it resolves problems and there are good conversations, and sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall and nothing is accomplished outside of finding myself more irritated or frustrated than I was before the conversation (dear god, I sound like my mother). I’m undecided how this is working for me. While it was my hope it would make me rant less in Brade’s general direction and increase my long term enjoyment of the game, because I’m confronting what is bothering me head on, I’ve found it just means I’m ranting about different things and often continue to be irritated. I suppose I’ll leave this in the “to be determined” box for now.

The one thing from last expansion that I don’t feel has changed a lot is that I often continue to feel like an outsider looking in – and I’m unsure how to resolve this, or if it can ever be resolved. I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t a greater manifestation of the age gap between myself and a good number of people in our guild (I could have parented some of these people). While that may seem like it’s an easy out answer, so many times I find my sense of humor is different, my values are different and (increasingly) my desires for the game are different. Which makes me wonder if I truly am just getting too old for this shit. It’s not that I dislike the people that I play with, because that is not the case at all. It’s just that a lot of times I feel more like the bus chaperone than part of the team. If that makes any sense at all.

And, honestly, that makes me sad. Nobody likes to feel left out – and regardless of my comfort level with myself, I’d include myself in this feeling. If I’m playing a team activity, I’d like to feel like my contributions are recognized, appreciated and valued. And there are a lot of times that I just don’t feel this way. Sometimes there are just so many complaints you can take before questioning all the time and effort you are putting into something. And I think a lot of people often forget that a single compliment or, acknowledgement of hard work, can have such a positive impact. What many people probably don’t know is that the small handful of these I’ve gotten over the past eight years, I’ve kept. I don’t delete them as PMs and I make screenshots of ones in game. And when I feel really beat up, I go an reread them – ever thankful they were sent. Because one compliment can wash away an ocean of complaints and remind you why you do everything that you do.

The whole thing brings up childhood memories. I remember growing up as a kid how upset my mom would get after she’d finished making dinner and we all complained about what she made. We were such ungrateful shits who always just assumed that mom would out dinner on the table every night, because, you know, it was her JOB. But I completely understand now. And feel like such a shit head for not being a better kid. If I could go back and thank my mother once a week, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Anyhow.

What is most odd to me is that I’m finding my patience to do things I don’t want to do, or that irritate me, growing more thin. Previously, I would have probably had at least two alts to max level by now. This expansion? I can’t be bothered to level again. This could be in large part because I was so bummed about not getting to level with Brade this go around, but I think part of it is because I really just don’t find the leveling content compelling. I don’t think it’s because it’s that different than other expansions, I think that it is more likely that after eight years I’m just tired of leveling and can’t be assed to do it again.

It’s very strange, really. I largely have been enjoying the raids (if you take out the whole “frustrated at being a Druid” thing and having been sick as a dog this past week) – but i have been turned off of just about everything else in game outside of raids. There is almost no drive or desire.

Twelve hundred words, and I can’t even remember if I said what I wanted to say when I started this damn post. Ah well, I know it’s rambly. But we already went over the whole “my blog” thing. I guess to wrap it all back together,bin the end the reason I like that Katy Perry song so much is because it helps remind me that regardless of all the bullshit we may come across, as long as we know who we are nobody can take that away. And that is empowering.

Posted December 3, 2012 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump

5 responses to “Monday Musings: Part of Me Edition

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  1. Nice post, Beru. I can sympathize with the “frustrated at being a Druid” thing, as well as your concerns with being the bus driver/babysitter rather than a member of a team. I was in a guild for most of Cata where I was far and away the oldest member. I ended up getting a lot of leadership chores thrust upon me, but along with that came a “Dad’s going to make dinner” expectation that ended up wearing on me. I love being a guild officer, and I love the responsibilities of raiding (I take my game time pretty seriously, but that’s fun for me)… But frankly, I do the management thing in real life, and when you feel like you’re the only one shouldering the burdens of the group, it can be soul-crushing.

    But I’ll keep coming back for the camaraderie, even if it sometimes takes some searching. Bottom line: it’s good to know I’m not the only one out there who sometimes stares at the loading screen wondering why the hell I do it.

    (And the saving PMs thing is a good idea, I’m going to start doing that)

  2. I know what you mean about feeling left out just based on age. The noisy majority of my guild are all around 10 years younger than me and while they don’t aim to leave anyone out I just find they are completely different to me in the way they approach playing. Fortunately I’m not the only older person, so I don’t feel too out of it.

    I also haven’t yet leveled an alt to max. I’m not so worried about it this time though because I just don’t have time. I’d like to try the monk healing style so I’m very slowly leveling a mistweaver, but I’ve done the leveling so many times that it just seems too painful to get all the way to 90 on another new character. I probably will still level a few chars to 90, but I’m not in any hurry.

  3. I completely understand the challenges that you are facing. I have found that unlike past expansions, even though I am raiding on my main, I do not have any time left after doing the required things to keep raiding. It seems that getting my reputations to the correct spot is taking much longer than in past expansions. Thanks for the excellent blog.


  4. This song always inspires me too and reminds me that no matter how shitty or screwed up anything is, in the end you did it for a reason and if you have no regrets it was worth it every single second. Eventually we will all give up playing WoW and when that time comes it’ll be a sad day no doubt, its great you take screenshots like you do, I also do that. My entire character Wingria has a screenshot folder gigs long from her first day at lvl 1 up till now. I’ve got alot of good memories and some bad in there, every second was worth the trip though. Don’t they say its not the destination but the journey that made it all worth while?

  5. Yes ,, we must stay comfortable with who we are… if I didn’t i would of probably commited suicide of all the homophobic remarks and biggotry wow has to offer. Definitely a part of me no one will take away. I miss your youtube videos… dont you dare leave!!! not yet :D <3

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