Archive for the ‘Deep Thoughts’ Category
Have you ever watched and really listened to those TV commercials from drug companies that are trying to sell their medicine and encourage you to talk to your doctor to see if Drug X is right for you? I’m sure that you know the ones I’m talking about. The ones with the laundry list of warnings about potential side effects and dangers that make you think “I think I’d rather suffer through whatever ailment than take this drug”. Well, Brade and I watch them and make a little game about what side effects each drug is going to have. Death? Thoughts of Suicide? Heart failure? It’s sort of like medical bingo, get five right and get a prize!
Until one of them hits close to home.
It wasn’t until a couple of nights ago that we were listening to a commercial for an arthritis drug called Celebrex that something clicked. We’d seen the commercial a million times before, because it’s heavily advertised, and I’d always thought “thank god I’m not taking that medicine for my hands!”. But this is the first time that a light bulb went off in my head as the commercial played. As they started listing off the possible side effects of taking the drug, one stood out to me. Depression. Read the rest of this entry »
There is this delicious gelato shop a few blocks from where I work that I love. After I ate the (mostly) healthy lunch that I brought from home today, I decided that I needed some gelato and walked down to get some. Next to the gelato shop is a hat shop. Not a division of a store that sells hats, but a shop that is dedicated to nothing but hats. Every time I walk by it I stop and wonder how a shop that sells nothing but (high-end) hats can stay in business. I mean, I never see anyone in the store, and even though it’s always very rainy in Seattle, you don’t see many people walking around sporting hats.
I remember the first time I went by the shop, and there was the giant Stetson advertisement, and I sort of figured that it mainly sold cowboy hats – and while I didn’t really see a lot of cowboy hats around town, there must be a popular market for them in the Seattle area. Maybe Bill Gates was a huge fan of the Stetson or something. In the window next to the cowboy hats were “old man hats”. You know the ones I’m talking about, with the flat bill and the button that snaps down. My Great Uncle Ray used to favor them when he went out. But then came something I wasn’t expecting. In the window next to the old man hats were some of the most lovely ladies hats that I’d ever seen. I was mesmerized by the array of woman’s hats in the window. (And I had flashbacks of the Disney short, you know, the one with Alice Blue Bonnet and Johnny Fedora).
Anyhow, every time I walk by the hat shop now, in addition to wondering how the shop thrives, especially in this economy, I always look at the ladies hats in the windows. Not only the hats, but the hat boxes. I’ve never had a hat that requires a hat box or has warranted a hat box upon its purchase. In fact, I didn’t even know that hat boxes still existed. But the hats are beautiful and have so much personality and panache.
Today as I walked by the hat shop, I again stopped and looked at the ladies hats in the window. And even though I’ve never really worn hats (unless you count the baseball cap I threw over my bed head on the way to class in college as I was running out the door…), I decided that I’m going to buy a hat from that front window. One that warrants a hat box.
I haven’t picked one out yet, but just because I’ve never worn hats before, doesn’t mean I can’t wear one now. And I intend to wear my new hat gracefully, with personality and panache.
Last night I almost left my guild. I had to literally stand up and walk away from the computer to prevent myself from typing a phrase that I hadn’t typed in seven years: /gquit. I didn’t want to make a rash, emotional decision that I would regret in the morning. Only when I woke up this morning, after crying myself to sleep yet again, I regretted that I hadn’t done it.
Amongst other things, I had it out with one of our officers last night. And after feeling like I was being placed as a scape goat for everything, I flat out told him I would offer a simple solution: I would leave. I mean, let’s face it, I haven’t been happy in months, I’ve noted that in multiple venues, including my guild forums - if people were truly unhappy with me it seemed like a win/win solution for everyone. I advised him I wasn’t being melodramatic about it, I was truly miserable, tired of dealing with it and I wanted to leave. And I was told that if I did that everything would fall apart and I was needed to keep the guild alive. I found this odd, considering that I was supposedly at the root of all of these problems we are seeing in the guild at the moment.
Which lead me to wonder: If I’m not a replaceable member of our leadership team, why am I treated so poorly by the people I work so hard for day in and day out? Why is it that when I tell people that I’m at the end of my rope, and what is causing me to be there, they continue to perpetrate the exact things that drove me to where I am right now? Why do I feel unappreciated and outright disrespected by many members of our guild? Why do I not feel like I am not welcome or wanted any longer?
I was left with a heavy decision that I thought about while I was showering this morning, as I drove to work and as I booted up my workstation at the office. I was leaning heavily towards leaving, as I removed a few more of the “pros” from a pros/cons list that I’ve been building in my head for the past two months. And then came the PM that should have never been sent. From a raider that is equally, if not more, emotional that I am at times. A person that I had specifically directed to Brade because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. And my resolve eroded.
I wanted out. Now.
I responded less than charitably, because, well, I’m fresh out of charity to give. I’m tired of putting my feelings behind others, often to my detriment. And I’m tired of putting everyone’s needs and feelings ahead of mine. I’ve been doing it for seven years – and people (that I willingly invited into our guild) have unintentionally done to me what a group of people who set out to destroy our guild couldn’t do: they have made me want to leave my guild and look for a new place to call home.
I quietly closed my office door and started to weep in earnest. Ashamed and embarrassed that I was this upset over a recreational activity and couldn’t control my emotions enough that it was impacting my ability to work – especially when I have always prided myself on being able to bifurcate my personal life and my professional life when I stepped into the office.
I called Brade, looking for direction and advice. Hoping that the person who lovingly strokes my hair as I cry myself to sleep would offer me some semi-objective opinions. When he told me I should leave because I am clearly unhappy, I cried harder. The truth is, I still don’t know what I want to do. We talked about it a bit (well, mostly I cried and he tried to make me feel better), ultimately, effective immediately, I abdicated myself from all raid leading responsibilities going forward. (And you are probably learning about this change before half of our guild).
I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to stay and see if things get better with the guild or not. The truth is that my head knows Brade is right – when it gets to the point that I am crying myself to sleep at night and locking myself into the office for the same reasons, it’s probably time to move to something that is more healthy for me, regardless of where that leaves the guild. But my heart, lord my heart. It wants what it wants. It slaps on those rose colored glasses and romanticizes about the change that will happen with me stepping back, and tries to convince me that everything will be better now. It doesn’t want to walk away and abandon something that I’ve nurtured for so long.
I don’t know where I’ll land when this storm settles.
I know that I’m not done with WoW yet, but I do not know if I’ll be finishing out my love affair with the game with Monolith. Which is, quite honestly, not something I’d ever thought I’d say and may in the end kill WoW for me, as my guild has been a driving force for me in the game for so long. I have a lot of emotions and thoughts to sort through before I find an answer – and I strongly suspect the atmosphere of the guild over the next few days will play heavily into that decision.
In the end, is it so wrong to want to be happy and have fun again?
I debated doing a New Year’s reflection type post, but when push came to shove, my heart really wasn’t in it. Instead I thought I’d offer an update that touches on any number of things, and see where that went. I haven’t done a Monday brain dump in some time, so there is certainly enough floating around in my head, and I suppose relieving some of the pressure by releasing some of those errant thoughts would help. (I’ve also included our two most recent kill videos after the break).
On My Hands
I haven’t done an update on my hands in a while. The long and short of it is that I had a flare up around Thanksgiving that hasn’t subsided, and over the past week or two has been some of the worst that I can remember them being. I’m conflicted on this, as I started acupuncture treatment just before Christmas (going into my fourth appointment on Thursday) – and the timing of my most recent bout of pain times up roughly with the time I started the acupuncture. This, in turn, makes me wonder if it’s doing more harm than it is help or if it’s just a weird coincidence of events.
I see my Rhuematologist next Monday, and I intend to request a physical therapy referral. I mean, since the doctor who did my nerve conduction study indicated that her recommendation would be for PT, I would think that perhaps that is worth checking out. Of course, my Rhuematologist would have to a) remember she sent me for the test; b) actually read my file before walking into the door during my appointment; and c) actually reading the report from the other doctor. (In case you can’t tell, I’m pretty disgusted with my doctor). Read the rest of this entry »
For those who were blissfully unaware, there was a fairly serious exploit utilizing the LFR tool that permitted people to jerry rig the way the dungeon loot was set up and loot gear from multiple different LFR ID’s. Not multiple loot from LFR, but literally multiple loot items from multiple LFR instances, even after they had been technically “locked out” of being able to loot after they had killed, and been eligible for loot, in their initial LFR. Jarre talked about it some when it was first uncovered and made widely public. Paragon admitted to knowingly using the exploit and acknowledged that they were aware it was not Blizzard’s intent to allow one player to loot from more than one instance. Vodka was frustrated that they followed the rules and maximized the system “legally” and were lumped in with everyone else in people’s minds simply by virtue of being a highly progressed and publicized guild.
Hotfixes flew and Blizzard had a few stern words to players. The raiding community waited with bated breath to see what punishment Blizzard would hand down for those deemed to have taken advantage of the exploit. Blizzard responded last night handing out a plethora of eight-day bans to not only those who looted the items, but to those who participated to facilitate the exploit in any fashion. Of course, they also stripped every one of their ill-gotten gains.
As the news came down, we started talking about it in guild chat. I was quite honestly surprised by the diversity of opinions on the punishment that was given. Several people thought that taking the gear away was sufficient and that the 8 day ban was excessive. The most common argument made was that it was Blizzard’s fault that the bug was even available in the first place. That if they had properly QA’d their content, it would have never been an issue. This was an argument that brought back memories of Ensidia’s first Lich King kill. Read the rest of this entry »
The other day I was having a conversation with my good friend Keredria and she commented on how she typically does the lion’s share of fishing and herbing for her guild’s raids and how overwhelming it’s become since her move. She recalled that back during WotLK in addition to herself, two of her other teammates, both women, also used to help with this task. This then prompted her to ask me (also a female) if I saw a similar trend in my guild as well.
So I thought on it some. We do have five women on our progression raid team, including myself. But we’ve been buying herbs for flasks since Wrath, and we have a wonderful F/F member that has kept us well stocked in fish feast mats. Anytime we are low on anything, we’ll just buy what we need. We do have guildmates who offer donations into the bank – but many times it’s our male members. This, of course, initially led me to counter K’s suggestion that women frequently do a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to guild matters.
Until I thought about it some more. And when I took it out the micro context of raid consumables, it dawned on me that perhaps K has a point. I mean if all of my melodramatic stomping around the house and yelling at Brade about “HOW I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE” is any indication, then yes I suppose I do feel that I do the lion’s share of the work. In fact, the last time Brade and I had a spat about it and he asked what would make me feel like I wasn’t towing the majority of the load I responded with “WHEN YOU DO MORE THAN ME”. (Those caps are the written equivalent of my stomping around, hollering and waving my hands about – just so you have the proper visual).
So, uh, I suppose I do feel an awful lot like I do a lot of work. Read the rest of this entry »
As a blogger sometimes it’s only natural to question “am I reaching anyone” and wonder if the things you write or say have an impact on those reading. I’ve been at this for almost three years now and I still find myself asking that question from time to time. While I’ve always written for myself, it’s nice to know that someone is out there listening. Before I start to get too blubbery, I suppose I should back up a little bit and start at the beginning.
A few weeks ago I was asked if I might be available to help judge the Blog Azeroth Thanksgiving event. The truth is that I was flattered to be asked and readily agreed to help. I looked at every entry as it came in and then again a second time once all of the entries were in before handing out my scores. Everyone’s posts were so heartfelt and fantastic that it was really very hard to assign scores – and I went back and forth on scoring so many times that my poor spreadsheet is damn near worn out. If you haven’t checked out everyone’s entries, I would strongly encourage you to do so! There are things from wonderful story arcs to haikus to iambic poetry to hand crafted turkeys to fun you-tube parodies. I promise you that it is well worth the visit to everyone’s blogs – you won’t be disappointed.
However, in reviewing everyone’s entries I was truly touched by how many people thanked me from either my work here or my work with the Welcome Wagon (which I must shamefully admit that I do not have one prepared for this week). And by touched, I mean a blubbering mess of grateful. I even had to take a minute and honestly ask myself if I could be objective in my judging or if I needed to send a note recusing myself from my obligation. In the end I felt I could remain objective and went ahead with scoring everyone’s entries – and damn if I didn’t want to just give everyone a 100. I mean, honestly, can’t everyone who participated just get a prize?! Read the rest of this entry »
Today started like any other. I woke up, came to work, sat down to read some WoW news, sort through my feedreader – you know, all that good “must do before I can actually work” stuff. And during that process, I came across something that made me make the following comment on Twitter:
I’ve been a druid for almost seven years, and nothing makes me consider a “reroll” more than statements like this: “where the Druid would need to switch between healing and DPS”. I don’t understand what is so wrong with just wanting to heal? Why this constant feel that this “hybrid” theory be pushed on us?
Ok, that was actually more like three tweets, but I’ll just let you imagine that there were breakpoints every 140 letters. Anyhow, this comment started conversation between Derwent, Jarre and myself. Honestly, we probably would have been better served to have hooked up in gchat or vent and just pow-wowed, because let’s be honest – trying to have a meaningful conversation in 140 characters is borderline painful. Anyhow, the three of us spent some time discussing (read: bitching, moaning and doomsdaying) about the (very early and nowhere near finalized) direction Blizzard seems to be pushing druids with Mists of Pandaria.
Before I go any further I feel it is important to stop here, remind everyone that both Derwent and Jarre are very intelligent individuals – and I think I tend to use the bit of mush between my ears from time to time. We are all well aware that nothing is final. We are all well aware that everything can change. No one is screaming that the world is ending, the sky is falling or that we are running out and cancelling our WoW subscriptions. However, from time to time, intelligent people with similar interests get together to have intelligent conversations about things. And in most circles, this is considered healthy. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with three intelligent people analyzing the direction of our class, even if it is with a healthy dose of speculation.
Ok, now that I’ve got that out-of-the-way, let’s continue with where I was going shall we? Read the rest of this entry »
388 pulls. That was the final number. It included every pull that someone face pulled Rag. It included every pull someone was in the wrong gear. That included every pull that we took before the Great Firelands Nerf (roughly half of them). Most of the kill was a blur to me, partly from the cold I had been fighting all weekend, but partly from the shock of realizing that it was finally over. I had to pinch myself this morning just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming again.
I’m sure there are those of you who are thinking “thank fucking christ, she will finally start talking about something else”. And you are right, I likely will. But before I get there, I do want to take a minute to reflect on things from the other side of the fence.
But, before we get into that I want to offer out some deep felt thank yous. First, to my guild. Has it really been seven years? Regardless of our struggles and our shortcomings, you guys are part of what makes kills like this worth fighting for, and victory taste so sweet. The experience wouldn’t be the same without you. Next I’d like to give a huge thank you to Vixsin and Derwent. You both offered strength and advice when I needed it most, and there aren’t words to express my gratitude or to thank you enough. And lastly to everyone here who stayed along for the ride and offered kind words and encouragement. Every bit of it helped, even if I didn’t tell you at the time.
Let’s move onto those reflections, before I have to grab a tissue. Read the rest of this entry »
Caveat: This post is somewhat unorthodox in that it is actually a repost of something that I posted for my guild today on our forums. We have had, arguably, two of our best nights working on heroic Rag – yet everyone’s morale (including mine) seems to be tanked. Because of that, I spent a lot of time last night thinking. And, ultimately, this is what came out of those thoughts. The reason that I’ve reposted it here, is because I am somewhat fascinated with the fact that of everything else – this is where my brain made a connection. And I think the topic and similarities in and of themselves are extremely interesting. As such, I thought it was something that a lot of my readers would enjoy and would spark a fair bit of conversation, which in turn I think would be equally as fascinating. I am very much looking forward to everyone’s thoughts. However, since standing alone it may read a little strangely, I thought that adding context was important.
I am not an overly religious person, but at some point in my education I was tasked with reading a play called J.B.. It is exceptionally good, if you are interested in it, and I believe it even won a Pulitzer prize. Anyhow, the play is essentially a modern day version of The Book of Job, which consequently I was also tasked with reading.
Right about now, you are probably wondering why the fuck I am bringing this up, and exactly what does it have to do with raiding. Well, I’ll get there. Eventually.
The Book of Job
As I said above, I’m not really a very religious person, but the story of Job really resonated with me and is something that has provoked many of my thoughts and outlooks. The Beru’s notes (I’m trademarking that shit as soon as I’m done typing this…) version of the story goes something like this (please forgive me any missteps that I may have in my retelling of the story, and note that I’m not going to go into much of the theological debate surrounding the story, as I’m hardly qualified to do so):
Job is an incredibly pious man. Satan comes to God and theorizes that the only reason that Job is as devout as he is, is because God has afforded him many luxuries in life and Job has never really known hardship. Satan and God have a debate about it, and eventually Satan asks God if he can prove his point by testing Job. God agrees to permit it. Over time Satan, with God’s blessing, takes away everything that Job had and cared about – his family, his livelihood, his home. Job’s wife pleaded with Job to forsake a God who could be so cruel, and yet Job was unmoving in his beliefs and devotion. Read the rest of this entry »