Hello. My name is Beru, and I have done something of which I am not proud. (Hi, Beru).
I think that there must have been some wierd alignment of the planets last night or something, because I wasn’t the only one behaving a bit oddly. Seriously. Ok, to my tale…
I run an Alt/Friends & Family 25 man ToC every week on Tuesday. It’s all members of our guild (we had a few from a small 10 man guild that we were quite friendly with, but their guild has dissolved a bit and a good number of their members have joined our F/F ranks), and we set pretty strict loot rules before our very first raid a month or so ago. There isn’t really any drama, and it’s mostly everyone having a lot of fun for a couple of hours on an off night. The runs tend to go fairly smoothly, with a stumble here and there on Faction Champs and Anub, but we usually finish early enough that we have time to trek over to Ony and knock her out too.
I have been taking my paladin to these runs since their inception. The biggest upgrade for her at this point is a healing weapon, as I have been unable to upgrade the Naxx 10 mace I had been using since…well, Naxx 10. This has not been for a lack of trying though. I lost the roll on the 10 man ToC mace to a guy who plays once or twice a week (but, hey, it’s ok, I told myself, I will have more opportunity to see the item than him since I have the opportunity to do this 10 man every week, and he may not…of course we are assuming that the damn thing will ever drop again). And I’ve run the 5 man ToC heroic until my eyes have bled to no avail (I have earned over 100 champion seals on Dannie solely from this running instance). So this weapon issue is a bit of a sore spot for me.
I bought Dannie all of the 232 badge gear from emblems of triumph, not really worrying much about the 245 trophies, and generally I leave these 25 man runs not having received a loot most of the nights that we run them, and I’m fine with that. This is largely because I desperately need a weapon upgrade, and so I kindly pass the paladin loots to the other paladin that runs these raids with us 95% of the time. In all the time that we’ve been running this group, I have taken a total of two loots. A shield (that upgraded my Emblem of Heroism shield) and a cloak (that upgraded my Emblem of Valor cloak).
I had no problems passing on the other items, because well, I just had different gear priorities, and because I had been running the 10 man ToC regularly so the 25 man items were minor upgrades for me compared to other people. This is generally my loot M.O. (and should be most people’s best practice, honestly). I tend to look to see what other people might be upgrading if an item is a marginal upgrade for me before opting to put in my roll for the item.
So, let’s fast forward to last night. As per usual, we get to Anub and I’ve again not taken any loots in the zone for the evening. And wonder of all wonders, the healing mace drops! Of our group, both druids have already taken multiple items, our priest took a trophy earlier in the evening, we have no caster shaman, and the other paladin took an off spec breast plate earlier, but was using the ToC10 mace. So, I hold my breath and roll…a fucking 11.
The priest that already won an item rolls, but states he’s already taken something that evening. We are calling “last call” for rolls on the item, and I start to breathe a sigh of relief thinking to myself “that other paladin is going to refrain from rolling, because he’s already got such a good item, and it’s a much larger upgrade for me”. But alas, at the last minute he rolls, easily topping my 11.
I am devisated. A river of emotions wash through me as a grudingly award the mace to him. I’m angry, frustrated, disapointed. I run these every week for people, and ask for very little back in return. And this, in all honesty, made me feel like not doing it anymore. Had it been reversed and he had the horrible item, and I had the item in which this was a minor upgrade, I damn well would have passed it. Not to mention that over the course of all our runs, I’ve had TWO loots to his many.
Now, I’m really not one to complain about loot or cause trouble over loot. It is just not how I function. I generally accept my losses, privately expressing my disappointment, if I have any, to Brade and I move on. But dammit, this just felt unjust to me. Granted, some of it is my own fault. We use a free roll system, because I do not want to do the work of tracking loot for our alt runs. We ask people to be considerate, and generally speaking most folks are. But because we don’t track overall loots, just loots per run, I basically dug my own hole. Made even deeper by the fact that the more times I passed loot to him, the less likely it was he was going to take loot in a future run.
Now here is the part that I’m not proud of, no, fully ashamed. I actually sent this player a tell about it. I have never, in my 5 years of playing WoW, ever done this before. “You know, I have only ever taken one loot from here ever (I had forgotten about the cloak), and I am still using a Naxx 10 mace”. He opened the trade window and put the mace in, I declined. “You won the roll, I am just a bit surprised that you rolled since you’d just gotten the 10 man mace last week =/”. He opens trade again and puts the mace in. “Are you sure”, I said “because you did win the roll”. “Take it, Naxx 10 is pretty ghetto. I just roll and ask questions later”. And so, I shamefully hit the trade button.
As we headed off to Ony, my pride was overcome by shame and guilt was flooding over me. I had just been that person that I hate. But, I still felt I was entitled to that damn mace taking all the factors into consideration. And I hated myself for feeling that way. I asked him again if he was sure, because I was feeling highly ashamed at having even said anything, to which he responded that it was fine.
But the truth is, it wasn’t fine. I wasn’t fine. If I didn’t do something, I would never be able to equip the mace and use it.
After the raid concluded, I sat at the mailbox with it open and 5k gold in the send window for quite sometime. I thought “well, if I ‘buy’ the roll from him, I’ll feel less guilty about it”. But in the end, I knew that he would just send it back, and I would not feel absolved for what I had done. I finally logged off and went to dinner.
As I was driving to the restraunt, I racked my brain for something that would make up for my behaviour. Even if he didn’t see it as an issue, I did, and it would eat me up until I fixed it. So, I was thinking what I could do. I knew I wanted to do something for an alt, because his main doesn’t have much need. His paladin is quite well equiped, and doing the alt runs, so I’d be hard pressed to make up for it there. And then it hit me. I knew what I could do.
He has a warrior that he’s been leveling that is almost level 80…and has nothing. Perfect! When I got home from dinner I hopped onto the good ole bank alt and AH’d the mats that I would need to make him a couple of BoE epic tanking items. I got Brade’s blacksmith to craft them for me, and I was good to go.
I sent him a tell, as he was in an instance asking if he would be finished soon. He told me probably not, and that they were probably heading to another instance after. So, I explained to him that I was really very ashamed at having said anything about the mace, I had acted in a highly uncharacteristic way for me, and I was not proud of it. I told him that I felt I needed to make it up to him, and had crafted him a few pieces for his warrior…who would need some “un-ghettofying” shortly.
I linked him the two items I had made (226 belt and 245 bracers), and he went “Holy Shit”. He told me it really wasn’t necessary, to which I explained that while I understood he felt that way, it would help me sleep better. He said “well, I won’t turn them down…and if it will help you sleep better and all…”. So, I told him that I’d toss the items in the mail to him, and we’d call it even. And he was very happy.
While I still feel horribly ashamed and I will probably never look at that mace on my paladin without feeling a twinge of guilt (along with a permanent reminder to keep my damn mouth shut), I do feel that my return offering, if you will, was well received, much loved, and was able to provide me some peace.
So, what do you think? Should I have said something, or just shut my mouth? What would you have done? Have you ever done something that you immediately regretted?