When you run a guild, there are certain ways you are supposed to behave and react to different situations. You are supposed to be diplomatic. You are supposed to react without emotion. You are supposed to be infallible. Essentially, you aren’t supposed to be human.
See, I fail at that whole not being human part. I make mistakes, I react poorly, I am emotional.
We have been running two 10 man groups on Tuesdays to check out the new content before our 25 mans venture in for the start of our raid week on Wednesday. Both groups have seen success, and are largely equal. That being said, I loathe and hate the 10 mans. Not because of what they are, but because of the nightmare they become for a 25 man guild.
Regardless of what we do with them, someone bitches. Regardless of what we do, Brade and I have to split up and don’t get to play together. And regardless of the fact that we are one raid team, someone always makes the fucking things a competition between the two groups.
This is very, very difficult for me. I am a very competitive person by nature, which is something that I try to shelve because it’s not healthy. But the past two weeks the 10 man that I have been leading has lapsed behind the other group by one boss. We have one person in my group that rants about this to the point that it quite honestly makes me feel like I’ve failed my group and it is highly upsetting. Not to mention that I’m generally already quite upset by our lack of success.
Last week when they got Putricide and we fumbled all over ourselves sub 10%, I put on the good face that I was expected of me, “at least Monolith had a success”. Even though I was reeling from our failure.
This week I didn’t do as well. My group got to the blood princes and had them at 19% our third pull. As we worked through the fight I helped Brade get his group worked out from what we had learned about the fight. “Why don’t you try tanking the shadow guy, it’s working really well for Duff, I bet you could do it”. “There are actually multiple disco balls that need to be kept off the ground, we are using two people to help keep them afloat and splitting the room up”. “Try putting two full time healers on your non-shadow tank until your guy is empowered”.
And how did that end mr my group? After a few 19-ish% wipes were we fell apart for one reason or another, usually someone failing to avoid the bad stuff, in the end one of our members needed to log for the night and we decided to call it rather than pull in someone else to finish the fight off. Brade’s group? Even though it was late they gave it “one last pull” and got the boss down, utilizing the information that was working for my group. As I watched on his screen my heart sank. I had wanted my one last pull dammit.
I wanted to be happy for him. I wanted to be proud of the group that did it. But to be honest, I was frustrated that we couldn’t have “one last pull” to finish the fight out. I was disapointed that my group got sloppy and couldn’t finish the fucking thing after seeing 19% on our third pull. I didn’t want to deal with the “why do we suck so much” bullshit that was going to come from a certain member of my group because another week went by where we were the “weaker” group in his eyes. Even though it was what we learned about the fight that ultimately helped the other group succeed (you know…that whole one team thing I mentioned? Yea…it has benefits!). I loggged as the achievement spam hit.
It wasn’t what I should have done. I should have offered my congratulations to Brade’s group. I should have been diplomatic. I should have again put the other member in line, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to sit there and listen to him rant about how much we suck, because no…we really didn’t, and our efforts helped their success, so even if we didn’t get the achievement spam we contributed to theirs. And there isn’t a damn thing wrong with that. Although I imagine that it was the fact we came so close, and provided a good bit of guidance to the other group, yet we failed to net the kill that caused people to feel more strongly about my groups lack of success. I know that was a good part of my disapointment, at least.
I was frustrated and upset. I wasn’t happy that my group couldn’t finish the fight off, but I damn well wasn’t going to sit online and be made to feel like I was a failure. Logging off was the best thing that I could do, but it wasn’t very leaderly. It didn’t set a good example, I know, but I am human. I have emotions. And disappointment is one of those emotions.
The entire incident lead to Brade and I having a massive fight at home. Probably the worst one that we’ve ever had. In the end Brade said “next week let’s just do one group”, but I know that isn’t what is in the guild’s best interests, even if it’s in mine, and isn’t fair to those that would be excluded, and would likely cause all kinds of stink. And while I would truly love to get to learn the content working through it with Brade, I know that I will put up a post asking who would like to attend again, and I know that we will be split into two groups again.
I am generally pretty good about keeping my emotions in check while raiding. I am generally pretty good about being diplomatic. But I am not a robot. I don’t need to go see the wizard for a heart. I’m allowed my disappointments every now and then, and becasue I am human I probably will still have occasions where I react poorly to them. But I will try to grow as a person from each experience.
In the end, I will get my group back in there tonight to deal with vampires and disco balls and suffer the never ending stream of “ball” jokes that spewed forth. In the end, everyone learned something last night that will help benefit our 25 man progression.