A while back when Larissa and Tam announced that they were going to close the doors on their respective blogs, they both kind of said the same thing: I just woke up one day and knew I was done. I often wondered what one thing, one post, one comment, one email, was the catalyst to them walking away. What was it that, intentionally or unintentionally, ended up being the straw that ultimately broke the camels back. I’ve always kind of believed that the straw the breaks the proverbial camel’s back would be tiny. So small that no one would truly realize that it was the thing that caused everything to tumble to the ground.
When Tam left, I sent him my own private goodbye. I always felt close to Tam because we entered blogging at the same time, and in those early days often supported each other quite a bit. Eventually he went left down the road, while I went right, but I always remembered those early days when we kicked at rocks together. Anyhow, when Tam left one of the things that I shared with him was that I was tired. And when we responded he told me “I can tell”, he then proceeded to give me some fantastic advice that I have summarily ignored, but that’s really neither here nor there and I digress.
Let’s get back to this camel should we?
There are a few things on my blog which I’m incredibly proud of – my openness, honesty and being true to myself is one of them. Which is, admittedly, why I feel the need to write this post. Because this blog has first and foremost always been my avenue of expression. Sure, the guides are great and I have fun making them. Sure, the druid talk is insightful and I love engaging in it. But when I opened the doors here it was because I needed an outlet for myself. And in my two and a half years of blogging, I think that I have been pretty true to that goal, blogging for myself.
Beru, you ramble. Can we get to the point of this before my coffee gets cold?
In the interest of remaining in open and honest I feel it is only fair to share that last night, for the first time ever, I seriously considered retiring my blog. Let’s go back to the camel. In my ponderings on what broke Larissa and Tam, I frequently wondered what that straw would end up being for me. Because let’s be fair – no one can blog about WoW forever. I know that someday it will be inevitable that I rest my branches. Hell, I’ve even made a poor attempt at starting a personal blog because I know, now that I’ve fallen in love with blogging, it isn’t something I can every completely walk away from.
Anyhow, the straw.
There were a series of events over the weekend that occurred and ultimately culminated yesterday that made me wonder if that was my straw. And I won’t lie to you, they upset me quite a bit. Sometimes words to a stranger can be so cold, even if that isn’t your true intent. And as I told Tam, I’m tired.
When Brade came to bed last night, he knew something was wrong. I had been off all night – at home, in the raid, in general. When he asked me about it I responded “I don’t want to talk about it”, which he is finally wise enough to translate into “please make me tell you about it so I can have a good cry and get it all out while you listen and find me some chocolate to go with my tears”. so I told him I was thinking about quitting my blog and everything just came flooding out.
I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what Brade expected because I love my blog. I love what I do here, I love the people, I love the community, I love the outlet. I love it all. And he knows this. But here I was considering it nonetheless.
After about half a box of tissue, Brade finally got a smile out of me. It was truly silly, really. You see I have this habit of looking at my snot after I blow my nose. The truth is, it’s disgustingly intriguing for me. All slimy and gross. But for some reason I can’t help but to explore what my body just expunged – and after about the third time I did it last night he had to pause in his comforting and ask me exactly why I do that. To which, had I had my mind about me, I would have responded “FOR SCIENCE!”. However, instead I sheepishly admitted I just liked looking to see how slimy it was. Which, of course, caused uncontrollable laughter from both of us.
I know, I know, I digress again.
It has long been said that laughter is the best medicine. And sometimes I think that there is a lot of truth to that. Once I was done with my snotty giggling fit, I was able to have a more cohesive conversation. And so Brade and I stayed up way past our bedtime talking about it a little more. He pointed out to me that I love my blog, I love the writing, I love the escape. I talk about it all the time. He didn’t think I should stop. However, rather than give me his usual “tell the world to fuck off” mantra that he usually does, he commented that this series of events has obviously bothered me a great deal, but then asked why I should give up something I love because of it.
And he’s right.
Those of you that have been here with me for the past two and a half years know me pretty well. Honestly, probably a lot better than you may even realize. The truth is that I’m not all sunshine, rainbows and gumdrops. The truth is that I have a sharp wit and an even sharper tongue (and I’m sure there’s more than one commenter who would attest to having been victim of the latter). I’m not a perpetually happy person, and I’m not always friendly. I’m just me – and I’m pretty comfortable with that. It takes a lot to shake that up – but several things over the course of the past few days, not even all related, have done just that.
And it took a snotty tissue (gross) to regound myself and remember that I like who I am.
Much like Psynister’s Three Legged Stool, I feel that I have three arteries that feed my WoW heart: My Guild, My Blog and Brade. If one of those were to collapse, I’m not sure how long the other two could support the flow to my heart. And depending on which of those three collapsed, I’m not sure it would be possible for the other two to make up the difference. Each one of these three things is my support system for WoW. One of the key reasons that I continue to devote so much time and effort to the game. They truly are lifelines and severing any of the three is potentially catastrophic to my survival in WoW.
The truth of the matter is that I fell victim to mistakes that I blogged about myself and made careless, frank commentary to someone I did not know well enough to do so – and subsequently received equally careless commentary as a result. And that was damn near the straw. Damn near.
But the second truth of the matter is that I love my blog for everything that it is, and I’m not ready to give that up yet. So here I am. Still sans sunshine, rainbows and gumdrops. Still with my sharp wit and sharper tongue. Still me – warts and all.