Archive for the ‘Brain Dump’ Category

Winds of Change   56 comments

Last night I almost left my guild. I had to literally stand up and walk away from the computer to prevent myself from typing a phrase that I hadn’t typed in seven years: /gquit. I didn’t want to make a rash, emotional decision that I would regret in the morning. Only when I woke up this morning, after crying myself to sleep yet again, I regretted that I hadn’t done it.

Amongst other things, I had it out with one of our officers last night. And after feeling like I was being placed as a scape goat for everything, I flat out told him I would offer a simple solution: I would leave. I mean, let’s face it, I haven’t been happy in months, I’ve noted that in multiple venues, including my guild forums – if people were truly unhappy with me it seemed like a win/win solution for everyone. I advised him I wasn’t being melodramatic about it, I was truly miserable, tired of dealing with it and I wanted to leave. And I was told that if I did that everything would fall apart and I was needed to keep the guild alive. I found this odd, considering that I was supposedly at the root of all of these problems we are seeing in the guild at the moment.

Which lead me to wonder: If I’m not a replaceable member of our leadership team, why am I treated so poorly by the people I work so hard for day in and day out? Why is it that when I tell people that I’m at the end of my rope, and what is causing me to be there, they continue to perpetrate the exact things that drove me to where I am right now? Why do I feel unappreciated and outright disrespected by many members of our guild? Why do I not feel like I am not welcome or wanted any longer?

I was left with a heavy decision that I thought about while I was showering this morning, as I drove to work and as I booted up my workstation at the office. I was leaning heavily towards leaving, as I removed a few more of the “pros” from a pros/cons list that I’ve been building in my head for the past two months. And then came the PM that should have never been sent.  From a raider that is equally, if not more, emotional that I am at times. A person that I had specifically directed to Brade because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. And my resolve eroded.

I wanted out. Now.

I responded less than charitably, because, well, I’m fresh out of charity to give. I’m tired of putting my feelings behind others, often to my detriment. And I’m tired of putting everyone’s needs and feelings ahead of mine. I’ve been doing it for seven years – and people (that I willingly invited into our guild) have unintentionally done to me what a group of people who set out to destroy our guild couldn’t do: they have made me want to leave my guild and look for a new place to call home.

I quietly closed my office door and started to weep in earnest. Ashamed and embarrassed that I was this upset over a recreational activity and couldn’t control my emotions enough that it was impacting my ability to work – especially when I have always prided myself on being able to bifurcate my personal life and my professional life when I stepped into the office.

I called Brade, looking for direction and advice. Hoping that the person who lovingly strokes my hair as I cry myself to sleep would offer me some semi-objective opinions. When he told me I should leave because I am clearly unhappy, I cried harder. The truth is, I still don’t know what I want to do. We talked about it a bit (well, mostly I cried and he tried to make me feel better), ultimately, effective immediately, I abdicated myself from all raid leading responsibilities going forward. (And you are probably learning about this change before half of our guild).

I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to stay and see if things get better with the guild or not. The truth is that my head knows Brade is right – when it gets to the point that I am crying myself to sleep at night and locking myself into the office for the same reasons, it’s probably time to move to something that is more healthy for me, regardless of where that leaves the guild.  But my heart, lord my heart. It wants what it wants. It slaps on those rose colored glasses and romanticizes about the change that will happen with me stepping back, and tries to convince me that everything will be better now. It doesn’t want to walk away and abandon something that I’ve nurtured for so long.

I don’t know where I’ll land when this storm settles.

I know that I’m not done with WoW yet, but I do not know if I’ll be finishing out my love affair with the game with Monolith. Which is, quite honestly, not something I’d ever thought I’d say and may in the end kill WoW for me, as my guild has been a driving force for me in the game for so long. I have a lot of emotions and thoughts to sort through before I find an answer – and I strongly suspect the atmosphere of the guild over the next few days will play heavily into that decision.

In the end, is it so wrong to want to be happy and have fun again?

Posted January 6, 2012 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump, Decisions, Deep Thoughts

Thoughts for a Tuesday   6 comments

I debated doing a New Year’s reflection type post, but when push came to shove, my heart really wasn’t in it. Instead I thought I’d offer an update that touches on any number of things, and see where that went. I haven’t done a Monday brain dump in some time, so there is certainly enough floating around in my head, and I suppose relieving some of the pressure by releasing some of those errant thoughts would help. (I’ve also included our two most recent kill videos after the break).

On My Hands

I haven’t done an update on my hands in a while. The long and short of it is that I had a flare up around Thanksgiving that hasn’t subsided, and over the past week or two has been some of the worst that I can remember them being. I’m conflicted on this, as I started acupuncture treatment just before Christmas (going into my fourth appointment on Thursday) – and the timing of my most recent bout of pain times up roughly with the time I started the acupuncture.  This, in turn, makes me wonder if it’s doing more harm than it is help or if it’s just a weird coincidence of events.

I see my Rhuematologist next Monday, and I intend to request a physical therapy referral. I mean, since the doctor who did my nerve conduction study indicated that her recommendation would be for PT, I would think that perhaps that is worth checking out. Of  course, my Rhuematologist would have to a) remember she sent me for the test; b) actually read my file before walking into the door during my appointment; and c) actually reading the report from the other doctor. (In case you can’t tell, I’m pretty disgusted with my doctor). Read the rest of this entry »

Posted January 3, 2012 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump, Deep Thoughts

Words from the Heart   53 comments

I know I’ve been a lot quieter than usual.  The truth is that this post has been sitting in my drafts folder for almost two weeks, and every time that I pull it up to try to put my current thoughts into words I stumble, not quite sure what to say. The truth is that I’m really struggling with WoW right now, a lot. And I’ve been spending a whole lot of time asking myself what I should do – what happens when you start to fall out of love with something that has been a defining aspect of your life for so long?

I think part of the reason that I’ve been putting it off is because I wasn’t sure if my thoughts are directly related to my time in game or if they are being colored by a plethora of other things happening in my life right now – and the truth is that I’m still not sure. While I do think that some of what I’m feeling with regards to WoW right now is my life bleeding in, I also think that it has only highlighted feelings that were already there – not creating new ones.

Where to start? I think I’ve laid out my love affair with WoW previously – so maybe I should talk about the bumps in the road.  I suppose since I’m being honest, they feel more like giant mountains right now than bumps. Giant mountains that I’m not entirely sure I am capable of scaling. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted December 27, 2011 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump

How to Fix Archeology   17 comments

I’ve spent a fair bit of time this expansion doing nothing but flying around and digging in the dirt.  In fact, there have been entire weekends when I’ll sit down in front of an NCIS marathon on TV and dig for hours on end…every day.  I have dug until I have found myself literally asleep at the keyboard and putting myself to bed.  Every so often I’ll come to my senses and say “fuck this bullshit” and give up on Archeology.  I think of all the time wasted, and all of the fun things I’d rather be doing – like washing my hair.

I’m sure there is someone out there reading that is thinking “if you hate it, why do you even do it”.  Well, I’m glad you asked (even if it was internal!).  I first started doing Archeology because one of our early Best in Slot trinkets, Tyrande’s Favorite Doll, came from the profession.  And as a raider, who wants to be as prepared as possible for content, I felt obligated to go farm the damn thing.  And so I dug and dug and dug.   Lo and behold, my last Night Elf discovery was Tyrande’s damn doll.  I wore that doll up until I got my Shard of Woe, it was that good.  In our early raids (before druids got buffed), I was getting enviable amounts of mana return from that one trinket. 

I suppose I could say it was “worth it” – but the fun factor was pretty much in the red.  Every time I came across a dig site that wasn’t Night Elf I was more frustrated with how I was having to waste my valuable time flying all the way down to Tanaris and Un’goro, only to have to make the five plus minute flight back north for the Night Elf site that would spawn next.  Sure, I made use of things like Jaina’s Locket (fast trip to Tanaris every hour) and Teleport:Moonglade.  But that only made things mildly less tedious. Read the rest of this entry »

Rock Bottom   23 comments

Today I’m going to share a few things with you, not all of them pretty.  The first of those things is that I’m a total consumer of trashy gossip magazines. And TV shows of similar ilk.  I’m not sure I should tell you how many times I’ve had a subscription to People or that I’m considering snagging the e-publication version as we speak (don’t judge me!), I swear I buy them for the articles!  And if E! has a True Hollywood Story on, you can bet I’m glued to the TV.  Ok, ok, I’ll come clean – the same is true for any Behind the Music or Top 100 (insert something here) countdown.  (Seriously, don’t judge!).

Anyhow, I have a point.  Lest someone feel the need to advise my that my incredibly shallow taste in entertainment is…well, incredibly shallow (hint: I’m aware), I suppose I should probably get to it.

The other night I was watching a countdown of the 40 Most Shocking Moments.  And one of the top ten moments was Britney Spears’ public meltdown – maybe it was even in the top three, I don’t remember now. But you know the one I’m talking about; the one where she shaved her head, completely fell apart and lost custody of her kids. Now in the commentary they actually had some people who were rooting for Britney talk about her meltdown, as opposed to the I’ve-never-heard-of-you-before comic tossing out jabs that is the norm.  And one of the things that they said about her was that it was that moment she hit rock bottom.  That in every crisis, there has to be a rock bottom.  And once you’ve finally hit it you can start your climb back up.

Well, folks, I hit rock bottom. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted November 16, 2011 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump, Raid Leadership

Monday Musings – Almost There Edition   5 comments

It’s been awhile since I’ve done an update, but that’s partly because I don’t know how much there is to update. In the game not a ton has changed. I mean, some things have, but mostly things are the same. However, there are a few things that I’d like to say, and I figure this is as good a place as any to say them.

I Love My Guild
As I often tell the guild, this is something I don’t think I say enough. So I’m going to just say it. I have the privilege to raid with a group of people that for the most part I genuinely enjoy spending time with. Maybe some of them stand in the fire more than I’d like, but as a whole there is no one in my guild that I just can’t stand. And I believe that is a pretty rare thing.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, it’s kind of two fold. Firstly, anytime I use my blog as a brain dump/stress relief/dear diary therapy I invariably get that one comment about how maybe I need a break, or need to find a different community for my raid time. I’m just going to put it out here: I don’t. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get thing out of my head. To put my stress in a medium that isn’t me screaming at my raid.

And you know what? It’s worked. I’m a significantly calmer raid leader because I have a venue where I can dump my thoughts and stresses, and where I can get feedback (or commiserate) on the struggles that I may be facing. I’m pretty open about everything that happens, and I like that. So, I wanted to let people know that I really do love where I am and the people I am with.
Read the rest of this entry »

Posted October 31, 2011 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump, Deep Thoughts, Hard Modes, Raiding

Tuesd…eh, screw it, some shit about my week.   12 comments

I feel that I should start this post off with a warning.  I am incredibly tired right now, and as such I anticipate that this post is likely to be a little on the rambly side.  Why am I so tired, you may be wondering?  Well, partly because I made the grave mistake last night of starting Glee Season 2 after watching Friday’s episode of Fringe.  I thought I would be OK.  But then the Britney episode came on, and it was all down hill from there.  Three hours later (and way past my bedtime) I was still not asleep.  Let me tell you, people who call Warcraft crack must have never seen Glee.  Just Sayin’.

However, that was only one reason.  The other reason is that my dad came to visit this past weekend.  I’ve not seen him for five years, so I was very excited about it.  I toted him all over Seattle – to my favorite restaraunts and attractions.  By the time we got home each night I was exhausted.  In a good way.  I had a great visit with him, and because I don’t have a whole lot more to say about that, have a picture of my dad with a butterfly on his head.

On Raiding

We are still trucking along on Heroic Ragnaros.  In fact over 3/4 of our raid time is spent largely on this encounter.  The fight is still incredibly challenging, and we continue to make progress.  The thing with progress on this fight is that sometimes it’s small and sometimes it’s lateral.  But I feel it’s important to recognize that it’s still progress. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted October 4, 2011 by Beruthiel in Brain Dump